"i know this may not be anything much. it's just the monthly test for god's sake!! what am i suppose to be worried for?". that's what i hope i could say at this desperate time. guess not. i know this is just another one of the monthly tests - which depends on your homework for extra credits - the school gives every once in a while but somehow, i feel so pressured inside. could this be just another case like what edward said, "inferiority complex"?? heck, i'm not even sure myself what does that mean.
i mean, the pressure is definitely there for me to not flunk this test. for starters, dad. i made a deal with dad a few months before, when he argued with me if he should allow me to have the computer in my room - counting on the times i was caught surfing porn on the internet. that was before. after much argument and screams of disagreement and pesturing, of course, i won the argument, as you can see, the computer is now in my room. so the deal was that if i don't prove to him that having the computer in my room won't affect my studies, he's gonna be liberated to cut off my broadband connection, for good. "what about suspension? we could always opt for suspension," i told him. obviously, he refused and he only granted me the 1st three months of school to prove him wrong. and look what i've become. have i been revising lately?? have i been completing my work lately?? have i been attending all my tuition classes lately?? NO! i am so dead.
being labelled the smart one in class definitely doesn't make the condition any better. i'm not trying to boast that i'm smart or anything, in fact, if you actually realised, i've never said anything smart before in my life. i don't even have anything to boast about. but i guess, compared with my other classmates, i can say that i'm just a little "faster" than them. they shouldn't have labelled me smart in the 1st place. by they, i mean, parents or maybe some teachers, who knows. i'm the kind of student who needs to study and revise my books to get along with examinations, and that could just only passed me by. i'm not the kind of student which was granted the ability to memorise all the things i've studied in class with only just one glance or the kind which is always successful in every single thing they do, namely, Kwok T'ng Chong (the top student of the whole form)!! as the matter of fact, i flunk my tests pretty easily. judging by the looks the teachers gave me when they inform us on which chapter we should focus on for the tests, i can say they're pretty much not looking forward to see me flunk in any of their papers. if i'm not mistaken, i heard someone said this to me before, "you should be the 1st student in that class of yours." wish there was something i could do to earn extra credits!! i'm so hoping that i was in one of those classes filled with smart alecs and i could just be another average student in there and noone would bother me.
so the questions comes back to me, is this seriously another case of "inferiority complex"?? or am i just feeling the pressure to live up to a name?? do i have to?? i hope not. i'll just have to sit throught this test like everyone else and just get over it.