Being constantly judged. So scary.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Upper lip, right index finger and right eyebrow. Fall, cut and surgery.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
You know something is up when you’re sandwiched between your own elder sister and your younger cousin, both with boyfriends at their sides in church. Somehow, it made things felt wrong for me to be (turning) 20 and still have no partner. Sitting in between two lovebirds, watching them slightly displaying public affections (no doubt, in church) wasn’t disturbing for me – it was borderline excruciating – plunging me into a sea of doubt and self-realization about my own single-hood or lack of a mate.
Again, in church.
The thing about turning 20 is, I have no idea what the society expectations are towards a 20 year-old male, although I may have gotten a hint from my 24 years old sister and my 19 years old cousin. Even my 12 years old brother randomly popped the question one Friday afternoon over lunch about why I’m still single, in which I used ‘education’ to keep myself from looking like a loser. I mean, is this really what society is to expect out of a normal 20 years old male? You know, to be in a relationship or the very least dating?
If this is what the public perceive as normal, well, I just don’t do normal. And since when does anyone really know that normal is normal? For all we know, a nose could be called an ass and we could really be girls and them, boys.
I’m just saying.
However, I really honestly don’t think dating should be rushed or pressured into. I know I’m not, not even by the constant touchy-feely crap and public displays of affection shown by the other couple (not my parents) in the house. Please, I really do not think one needs to suck face every 5 seconds with each other, or unnecessarily attached to the hips for that matter. As Carina would detest to the jubilation of jie, “Matt, you just do not understand!” Which I admit I that I do not and will not be in quite a while.
Besides, I really do have studies to think about. I mean, I could be shipped off to Timbuktu to pursue my studies and I don’t think I can keep up a long distance relationship for now. Realistically also, I have yet to earn my own income, making financially dependable on my parents, making the cost of every romantic date meaningless and borne by my parents. Of course, again, that’s just only one way of looking at it and through my inexperienced eyes, no less.
Plus, on the matter of love, as cheesy as it may sound, I do believe that when the time comes, it’ll come. I strongly put my faith in fate and the greater forces.
And as I’ve said it before, I’ve got commitment and attachment issues, even towards normal things like studies and hobbies, none of which I seem to be incapable of keeping. I tend to prefer the single and unattached life (sometimes even with friends). One of the reasons why I remain jobless. Yes, couldn’t be committed enough in my job hunt.
I mean, if dating means putting up with someone completely from a different orbit and upbringing (Oh, c’mon, who are y’all kidding? Everyone’s from different worlds! Unless you’re twins, then you’re still different people.) and learning to accept their flaws,
disgusting habits, mind-sets, attitude and issues in the relationship, then I’m sorry, I’m just not ready. Neither do I have the time, considering I have problems dealing with my own flaws, habits, mind-sets, attitude and issues in my relationship already with my family and best friend.
I’m aware that learning to love another person is not easy. It takes a lot or courage, determination, hard-work, passion, tolerance, patience, and ultimately love - judging from my 20 years with my family. It feels to me I’m just only starting to get the hang of it with the rest of the Brady Bunch and I’m not ready to try to take on someone new, yet. I’ve just started to learn about unconditional love and am slowly indulging in it, if you may. Accepting a stranger takes a lot from someone, let alone learning to love that stranger. Therefore, I don’t think I’m neither ready for it nor if anybody is ready to take a chance on me. So no rush there.
However, in the lights of hopes and love (it’s still positive, right?), and the new year and the new beginnings, if I happen to fall for someone today or tomorrow, I’ll hop on the love cab and take it for a ride, you know, to see what I’m missing and what everybody’s getting at. Till then…
Sunday, February 07, 2010
The rain is pounding outside tonight, the first in a couple of weeks of drought. Here I am, sipping steaming hot green tea, listening to Keith Urban and typing this, in my feeble attempts of unwinding and just relaxing. It’s been a hell of a week, and a start of a New Year in fact. I’ve been knee-deep in Chinese New Year preparations, mostly helping mom out with her annual baking fest of assorted cookies, chips and the New Year delicacies. Come to think of it, I haven’t even started on my spring cleaning to “usher in the New Year”, so to speak.
Truth is, for the past week, ever single night, we’ve been busy baking. Being the unemployed son, bumming around at home, I am at the very least obliged to join in the festivities or to be a helping hand, if you may. Thus, it’s been a week, counting today, that I’ve been going to bed at about 1a.m. or later – most of the time, against my own free will. Baking has been done in the comforts of kaima’s house and usually, by the time we’re done, we’d probably be home by 11p.m. or 12p.m. and by the time I shower and settle down, i.e. applying facial masks, night creams or moisturizers (being in close proximity to the oven could damage skin, you know) and get a little house chores done, it’s be more or less 1a.m.
Mind you, it’s been a while since my bedtime was way past midnight. Honestly, I’ve been afraid that the old habit of sleeping late would return and unfortunately, after this week, I think I’m kinda hooked again. Sleeping late and waking up outrageously early, if there was the need to. Other days, I’ll just sleep through, which is still a bad habit in my book. However, as much as I find it convenient to be going to bed that late, it’s taking its toll on me. The whole “minimal sleep and 100% productivity” thing just isn’t working anymore. Maybe I’m not cut out for it anymore, after all, I am turning 20 and anyone turning 20 could tell you that they’re body’s beginning to slow down. Or maybe I’m just being paranoid, borderline, tired of baking, on my feet most of the time that the balls of my heel hurt, every single night.
I don’t know.
But what I do know that my eye bags are gradually getting darker and larger and more prominent. I also know that I can neither put in a 100% the next day if this goes on, nor if I can keep this pattern/lifestyle up. Well, not really sure bout the latter but I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to wake up for church tomorrow if I don’t cut this short. So here it is, my completely random update on my life about nothing significant really. Just really felt the urge to blog or pen down something. Probably inspired by the new blog design (did you notice?) or probably Keith Urban or maybe the rain (prolonged deprivation of rain could affect one’s habits as well, I suppose). But… who knows?
Good night and adios!