Sunday, July 09, 2006

I Suck!

I just got off a conversation with Edward. I took the guts to send him a copy of the elocution text I prepared. I managed to come up with about 1227 words, got it printed at Adrian's and realised it was extremely long. I cuit it short to 633 words and re-printed it. I thought it was an OK essay al along. I THOUGHT IT WAS OK! Note I've never given more credit to myself than I should. I hate the thought of growing complacent in undertakings, therefore, I never liked praising myself. But I do think I have certain qualities that I can be secretly proud off. I've always work towards perfection but have always managed to maintain a certain level of mediocrity. In other words, no matter how hard I try, I'll always turn up being average and below.

Edward just made me realise it again that I'll never be good. Don't get me wrong, it was good of him to be honest to me. I asked him for his opinion on the text I prepared. At first, he said my audience was bound to get lost in my speech. I took it as that I ddn't arrange my points clearly. He was reluctant to tell me off, knowing fully well, I'd be pissed at the end of the conversation. I made him say what he REALLY thought and he did vomit his thoughts about my incompetency on the text. It appeared to him that the whole text did not stand on solid ground. I admit, I didn't have enough strong points to pass my message. My essay was on a really small scale, focused only in the school, he added. My essay also sounded more like a complaint article than a good speech, he said.

Come to think of it, most of the things he said, I find to be true. I didn't occupy myself doing research on the allowance of mobile phones in school. I just used what I had in my mind, which comes across to Edward (and myself) as completely shallow. The text also sounded cheesy in a sense when I address my audience and some phrases. Edward calls it cheap-ness. I did, however, feel a little insulted. But nevertheless, it was good for Edward to open my eyes. I can't lie that I felt extremely energised after hearing what Edward had to say. I felt downright disheartened and useless. How could I actually come up with such complete rubbish? Expecting to be delivered to a crowd of restless 16 year olds? I might as well give the speech in an old folks home.

I've always thought my essays writing skills were OK. Now, it seemed like complete rubbish! Such crap I could come up with! I seriously feel like burning the essay and just pull myself out of the whole competition. The little remains of self-confidence in me has been officially crushed into pieces and drained from my soul. I'm dry. I suck at everything I do! I thought English was one of the little things I didn't suck at. It doesn't appear so, after what's happened.

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