Thursday, January 12, 2006


"I'll tell you what, I don't think you'll ever need any tuition for Science. Just pay attention in my class, do the work that I give and I bet you'll score in your exmanitions in no time." as those words were splurted out by Mr. Omar, my science teacher for this year, the feeling of alien-ness came rushing back again. i'm not sure what has gotten into me, but since the past few days of schooling, i've had this encounter with almost every teacher that enters my class. there i'll be, sitting in class, trying my best to pay attention to nothing except for what the teacher is saying, and i'll suddenly lose my concentration on the teacher itself. i've most probably seen every teacher and had recognised their faces that if i were to meet them in the middle of the jungle, i'd know it's one of the teachers from school. but i'm not very good with their names though. anyway, my point is, my eyes, as if disconnected from the brain, will not be able to recognise the particular teacher. and i'll go like, "Omg, who the hell is that, I've never seen him/her before!!" and i'll freak!! and as weird and fast as it comes, it'll disappear, and i'll be able to get back to reality again. it's so weird. i don't know why. is it a sickness??

Anyway, first day of school, feeling all weird and new. Fresh yet sleepy altogether. Starting my fourth year of junior high. Wasn’t at all excited on assembly. Meeting old friends was always fun. Catching up with one another and the latest issues. Endless talking, like word vomit. LOL. Being arranged into our own respective classes was strange. Being the only student who actually chose to go Arts Stream felt nevertheless, awkward. Being in a class of only 10 students, of which 8 are Malays, felt freaky. They were all kind of hostile. I'm not their bestest mate anyway. Was introduced to a few new rules. The school was scrutinising their disciplinary board. "All the changes now and those yet to come are (matter-of-factly) considered very necessary. And we don't care about what others might comment about it," said Mr. Abdul Latiff, the Head of Student Affairs Board. and we were all given the timeline till the month of February to carry out all the changes. Changes like hairstyles (almost bald), school badge, class names and etc. It doesn't bother me that much, but to others, it means a world to them!! Not necessarily though.

On the fourth day of school, was approached by one of my Malay classmates to write my name in pencil on the duty roster board so that the more artistic people in class could decorate the name better. I was shocked to be approached by one of them, nervous to be exact, since I was one of the three Chinese people in class. I’m the one who hasn’t any record of Malay friends for the past four years of school. I felt obliged to fill in the enormous space with my first name. A space which is much too big for the word “Matthew”. I don’t know what for, but I helplessly tried as my classmate holding the piece of cardboard, watched me with eyes full of judgment.

The rest of the school days was just an everyday matter. It'll slowly become a boring routine in my life. I can remember that I've wanted to say something on each day, but it's been left too long already, and now I've forgotten it. Why bother?? And I've been kinda busy lately. As I'm writing this, I've still a whole big pile of homework in my bag. I'm not very intrigued in completing it yet. Maths has been particularly hard for me to catch up. Especially today, I could barely stay awake in class. Been so sleepy. Ugh. The only time I look forward to in school was recess, where I get to hang out with my buddies Darren and Edward. Oh, and I'm usually the one who keeps talking and I blame it on the loneliness I've been feeling in my class. My classmates aren't exactly friendly towards me. And I'm trying my best to blend in. But there's like this invisible barrier between me and them. Bah, it doesn't actually matter that much.

Me : "I don't care."
Inner me : "Or do you??"
Me : "Should I??"
Inner me : "Stop fooling yourself!! I know you want friends!!"
Me : "Whatever!!"
Inner me : "Should really open up!"
Me : "Trying my best everyday!!"

No comments: