Wednesday, October 26, 2005
i feel so lost right now. i don't know what i'm doing with my life right now. ugh. life has always got it's ups and downs, and this is definitely my downs. i guess the thing that's bugging me now is about my "step" towards my future/career!! i'm not quite sure if this decision i make now would do me any good or bad in the near future. it's obviously kind of hard to follow what they do in the movies. as in "follow your heart and you'll be happy." i've certainly tried that in my life before and i don't think it really applies in reality. certainly not with the pressure surrounding you. see, my problem is that i don't know which stream am i s'pose to take for next year's class. i know it's kind of silly of me to be worrying over this, but, i'm the kinda person who gets worried very very easily! there are mainly two streams to choose from which are Arts or Science. i've been wanting to take Arts all this long, not to mention with the support of my family members, especially grace. i told her what i wanna be when i grow up, and she told me to go on with Arts. after feeling a whole big lot of burden being taken off my shoulder and after feeling the sense of dignity that i followed my guts, i was being crushed down by friends, mentally. i went to school today, and i brought the whole subject up. and all my friends were like, "better not take Arts or else you'll have no future lah!" i was quite taken back by this. and they all explained how the school doesn't pay much attention to the only two classes allocated for the Arts stream and how the population in the two classes are 95% malays (i'm not being a racist though) and how i would kinda suffer in that two classes. and i looked at the school yearbook which i got today at the amount of people in the class that i was going to be in next year, i chickened out a little. so is tarted doubting my decision again, like i always do. i can't believe i'm so vulnerable, but i am! hate that fact. but ii've actually tried following my guts in small matters in life and somehow, not following other's advice makes things worse for me. so i'm kinda afraid of that in a sense, although i'm not even sure if my decision for now would even affect my future studies. so i went 2 personally ask the teacher myself, cause, you know, there're backstabbers everywhere. and yeah, the teacher said it himself. he'd encouraged me 2 take Science and if i really wanted to go with Arts, i'd gotta be strong and not easily carried away by my crowd (which i'm so totally not good at). i totally don't know which path i'm suppose to go! am i just taking a risk if i followed my guts?? am i just pretending if i followed the crowd?? owh, i don't know. often at times like this, i forget to always turn to someone that i could really find comfort in. who is it?? God.