I heard about it from mom right after her choir practice. Our parish priest, Father FA became the barrier of bad new before the practice began. It was only woman and children's practice this week, so I had no idea about any further details then. Father FA received the news first hand and I think it was the choir that he first informed. A couple of weeks before, the choir had already been struck by a misfortune that one of its member, Albert, met with a horrible hit and run. Imagine this, he got hit by a lorry, causing him brain damage and now, he's lying in the hospital, half paralysed. The previous choir practice was offered in prayers to Albert. This week's practice, according to mom, was offered to all the pilgrims who was involved in the accident.
The thought of it totally slipped off my mind the rest of the day. It made me feel like an absolute jerk when I saw the picture of the overturned bus with passengers sticking out, pinned under the bus, that I have forgotten about it after mom told me. I felt worse that this was what I was trying to remember to include in my night prayer last night and I didn't have the chance to. I was almost speechless when I saw the news over the front page of The Star. I didn't have the chance to flip through the papers as it was D's and it'd be rude for me to pull it away from him. The horrifying picture with the victims pinned under the overturned bus and the firemen trying to save them was heart-wrenching enough to make me cry. But the environment of students yelling to one another in the hallways and the sound of chairs being dragged across the classrooms as students hastily made their way through the class to their seats was kind of distracting to make me actually sit and take in the bad news.
I only managed to see the front page of the report and got chased by the wardens out of the class to attend assembly before I even flip the page for the continuation. A feeling of injustice ran over me as I made my way to the hall for the assembly, watching the other students who were mostly unaware of this horrible tragedy. They probably didn't even give a damn about it, if they knew. It was unfair that these people were suffering from such great loss and people like me are still living life as it is, unhurt and safe. The other students could still be passing the ball to one another in the hallway, unaware, as I turned left towards the hall, while the victims are probably mourning uncontrollably at their homes at the death of their loved ones. It was unfair. Certainly, the bigger question that came to my mind was, how could this happen when they were all on a pilgirmage to St. Anne? Where was God then? Why did He allow this to happen? I was helpless and unable to answer these questions myself. I couldn't find the right explanation to this. They were all on a pilgrimage, aren't they?! Of all times, why now? I could only comfort myself by telling myself that God has his own plans and decisions. He certainly has his reasons, I'm sure. I was a little distraught about this whole incident. I know, it didn't happened to me and I should be happy that it's not me or my family there... but I still feel a sense of grief. I sympathise and empathise them. I was quite taken aback when D showed no signs of sorrow when I was gaping at his paper. "Haiya, 11 people died," he said to me, as if to tell me that that was all I needed to know. "Hello, they are all Catholics on a pilgrimage to St. Anne," I said in an offensive way, "We are all addressed as 'brothers and sisters in Christ' for a reason, you know!" I couldn't help but feel angry at the people around me who didn't bother a bit about this tragedy, making it sound like another passing tragedy that caused no one's lives. I know that it is way out of our league to help but at least, show some respect or sympathy! My anger and frustration stuck with me throughout the day, though I didn't sense it for a brief moment when I was hurrying to finish my Moral assignments. It climaxed when dad "so happens" to forget to bring my daily dose of the paper with him when he was at school to pick me up! I was so looking forward to reading more about it that I kind of yelled at dad for not bringing the papers then. Fortunately, he was pretty calm about it. I couldn't help but express my feelings of the incident to him right in the middle of the school car park that I was close to tears. I got so tensed up that I seeked solace with some food at the canteen. I only had one thing in mind when I reached home : to read and read and read about the incident. The grief, the feeling of the survivors who lost their family members couldn't possibly be put in words. It was so terrible. The one victim who got my tears flowing out was Arulsamy Savarimuthu, who lost his 13 year old daughter, Alvina. Imagine a father's heartache to see his own daughter, being pulled out from under the bus and die not long after. Imagine that. Think of the pain he's going through. The picture of him at his house, breaking down when receiving donations could let you have a picture of what a father's going through.
Well, after seeing all these I couldn't bring myself to a conclusion as to why God allowed all of these to happen. To me, it is God's amazing way of teaching. Seriously, I see it this way. It's his way to bring us Catholics back together again, unite us in prayer and remind us of who we are and our responsibilities to one another as 'brothers and sisters in Christ'. It's also God's way of reminding us to appreciate and acknowledge our loved ones as we still have them. God's certainly not using these people as a subject to show us these. I'm not God, therefore, I can't explain his plans, but I believe that He has His great design that man have been trying to understand. See the pictures of the whole congregation coming into the church as one to offer prayers for the victims is enough proof that God has undoubtly brought us Catholics together once more upon this tragedy. I'm sure God, being His loving self, wouldn't want to see us suffer also. Often, we forget about the importance of unity, peace and love. Sometimes, we even neglect these in our daily lives. To me, this is God's only way to reaching out to us, reminding us the things we neglect or forget. WE shall not see this as God's way of inflicting suffering as a form of punishment to us sinful mortals. If he was, I wouldn't see any point of Jesus going to the cross and die for us. Instead, we should take this as a message from God, as harsh as it may seem, we should embrace it and ponder over what He could be trying to say to us. Father's sermons in mass is merely enough to awaken the senses in us.
Jesus, nailed at the cross to wash our sins...
That's how I see God's amazing works. "He works in mysterious ways," as the saying always goes. As what 5xmom may have put it, these are the different forms of crosses we have to bear. There are smaller crosses and bigger ones. Those who have bigger ones are because they are made stronger. This is how I see God's work. I pray that God will welcome all the 11 victims to heaven with open arms as they leave this world filled with sadness.
"Eternal peace grant unto them, oh Lord. And let the perpetual light shine upon them. May their souls rest in peace, Amen."
Third day of school after the monthly exams, I can already see the usual pile of homework stacking up again. My hands are already filled with so many stuff and homework just adds to the list. But frankly, the pile of homework also conists of a few overdued and incompleted homework. =P. For one, my moral assignments are way past the given dateline and in school, I come across tiny shreds of papers, clipped between my textbooks and and exercise books, with homework that was given on the beginning of the second term written on it. It's like, "Crap, I still haven't done this. How could it slipped off my mind?" when I discover reminders in between pages of my textbook. I'll just shove it back to the page where I found it and continue with lessons, hoping that it'll strike my mind to do it when I'm free. Hell, I'd give anything to be with mom now.
Mom's on a business trip in Hong Kong! She left at 7 a.m. yesterday and would be arriving tomorrow at 6.30 p.m.. She was sent by the company to Hong Kong to attend a certain meeting with the other company for 3 days and 2 nights. I wanted her to bring my camera along but she refused, afraid that it'll proably end up broken or stolen in the streets of Hong Kong. *groans* Who knows what she's doing right now? Her last text to dad was that she was enjoying a vast array of dim sum there. I know I'd be shopping if I was there or probably taking pictures. Either way, it's better than what I have to do this weekend, which includes me deliberately trying to finish my homework and assignments apart from other stuff.
The only thing that keeps my sanity intact is the knowledge of me attending SONY's Nature Photography 2006 project in about a week's time from now. Yeap. The highly anticipated project is held annually by Sony (Malaysia) Sdn. Bhd., jointly organized by the Ministry of Education of Malaysia, and supported by project partners, CLICK! Magazine and Malaysian Nature Society. One of the activities of this project is a "Student Nature Camp" which will be held at the Belum - Temenggor Forest Reserve from 6 to 9 August 2006. A group of 50 secondary students and teachers will take part in this discovery trip to this forest reserve to learn more about nature and eco system. It wasn't easy to get into this camp as they only accepted one representative from each school. Penang had only 4 schools going and my school was one of them.
Apparently, there aren't alot of photography enthusiasts in my school - there were only 4 students (me included) who responded to the announcement of this camp. I was the first one to get there, hoping that I'd be able to get the place first hand.
Just to clear the air, I wasn't wanting to go for the sake of representing the school. Instead, I was more keen on going to gain personal experience. There's only going to be 50 participating schools form all over Malaysia and it was extremly crucial for me to get into this program. I felt that I deserved to be on the program too, at that point, cause I was the only one who knew about the camp (and the important details) before it was announced. I was sent an email from AE the day before, informing me about this whole Sony program. Interested as I am, there wasn't any apparent way of me enrolling in it. At the sound of Ms. Lee mentioning the words "SONY Nature Photography", I couldn't help but work my way into getting things done my way!
I was the first respondent to arrive at the school office as the announcement faded through the PA system of the school. Some other students emerged a few mintues after I did. Ms. Lee was reluctant to approve of the first respondent as I had no encounter with her at all and I had nothing to prove to her that I was photography enthusiast. Unlike the other respondents who had hardworkingly contributed their talents in various forms to the school and was popular among Ms. Lee, I had nothing with me for back-up other than my passion and interest. Na-da. I even had the crazy idea of showing her my Flickr page or Photo Blog, but pulled out of it when I thought it'd be too much of an obnoxious act.
At the end, with a little bit of audacity (into admitting that I have a good camera and even to the extent of promoting myself), self confidence and sweet talk, I got what I wanted. In another way, I'd have to thank Ryan also for letting me have the chance to go on this camp. He could've retaliated and pushed his way around me to get Ms. Lee's approval when she told him to let me have a chance to represent the school for something, considering that he just got back from Singapore, representing the school for Young Enterpreneuers, I think. He was also the vice president for the schools' Photography Club. What didn't he have that could easily let him take my place? But he didn't. Instead, he said that it was Ms. Lee's choice and he respects it.
Ms. Lee was in a hurry to fax the application form back to the Ministry Of Education, so she personally called dad for approval on this matter. She got my particulars and signatures and the usual stuff. Briefed me a little about the whole program and let me off with the permission slip which needed dad's signature. I was on cloud nine to be walking out from her room, to have finally achieved something for myself. I'm so pumped up and excited about this whole thing! Now, let's leave the nervousness, the I'm-not-sure-about-it-myself, and the lack of confidence matter aside for the present moment. Let me savour this moment of triumphant....
Back to reality, I still have to attend another week's worth of school before attending this thing! It sucks! It sucks when you can see this really bright light at the end of the tunnel but never able to reach it! I also have to wake up at 6 a.m. tomorrow (Saturday) for volunteering at the Salvation Army Donation Drive under the school's Interact Club. I think I'm going to sleep now. I'll try to cramp in an episode or two of Grey's Anatomy, Prison Break or The O.C (season 3). Take your pick!
Special intentions to Adrian (my beloved cousin) for going for an eye laser today. Not sure what he has but he complains of this blurness in his left or right eye, I can't remember. The doctor's advice was to go for this laser. Second opinion from another doctor claims that he has this disease in the eye called coates. I'm not sure about his whereabout now, but I hope his resting well. If you're ever reading this, Adrian (which I know you will, sooner or later, no matter how many times I change my blog address), get well soon! We're missing your wacky-ness since all of this befall on you. Hope he recovers soon. God bless.
It's the time again. The time when an eerie (and filthy) coat of dull grey enshroudes the entire city, turning the once sunny tropical island into a place filled with coughing pedestrians and blurry visions, almost competely blocking the sun. The time when the sunshine turns into nothing but a dim glow above the cloudless, grey sky and birds retreat into their nests due to the deterioration of vision lengths, almost reducing it to a mere 2km. No, it's not due to the many invisible hungry ghosts lingering around the city, scavenging for food and haunting people. The much loathed haze has made its come back since the past two weeks.
I don't know how has it been affecting your lives but I know my life's been a living hell. Being asthmatic, for one, I experience difficulties in respiration. It's impossible to shake off that irritable tinge of charred trees in the air. It's horrible cause it makes my over-sensitive nose itch instinctively most of the time, which, by the time I lay my fingers off my glowing red nose, will send me into another sneezing fit. Sneezing my head off uncontrollably in public isn't really a nice thing for others to bear, as the time interval between each sneeze is not even enough for me to utter the words 'excuse me'. People often give me disparaging looks when I launch into one of these sneezing fit. Even if I politely cover my mouth and nose with my handkerchief and sneeze into it, onlookers will start to shift uncomfortably on their seats at the sight of me.
Really makes me feel like yelling at them, telling them off that it's just only my allergy towards dust and soot that I'm only sneezing! Otherwise, do they actually think I'd go parading around if I've come down with Avian a contagious flu? Seriously? Do I look that sick? The only way to stop my hysteric sneezing is to have another shot of Nasonex right into my nostrils. Surely, the smell and taste of a field fresh sunflowers at the back of my throat does ease the pain and irritation, leaving me with a swollen, red nose. Quite unpleasant, if you ask me.
The haze is surely staying, as the Hungry Ghost Festival (Phor Thor) just kicked off yesterday with mom and dad taking off on the motorbike to the nearest ko tai (a karaoke singing performance on a set up stage as a form of entertainment to the spirits and public as well) to enjoy si ko t'ng (a bowl of ice syrup filled with jellies, beans and assorted nuts) Great, more burning of joss sticks, prayer paraphernalia and gigantic paper effigies to appease the hungry ghosts and more soot to boot the thickness of the haze shrouding Penang! No pun intended towards Buddhism and the worship of Tai Su Yah (King Of Hades) since there are certain worshippers who are aware of the critical condition of the air quality. Still, the burning of hell money, paper BMWs and luxurious paper houses doesn't really add up to improve the air quality, does it?
Amah (dad's mother), being a Taoist all her life, will usually hold numerous prayer sessions, filled with numerous home-cooked offerings for the deceased, ranging from her curry chicken to her soya sauce pork leg and minced vegetables mixed with slices of pork. I only know the names of these food in hokkien. Despite being a devout Catholic, I have been helping amah out with all the preparations needed during the Hungry Ghost Festival from young, like setting up the altar for the offerings, folding joss paper into shapes of cups and even taking care of the arrangement of cutleries on the table of offerings, prepared for the spirits. In this case, when the set up and the praying with joss sticks is being done at home, it is to fulill filial piety. We Catholics are allowed to honour our ancestors, even if it means, honouring them with joss sticks. So over the years, it has been some sort of a customary for the family members to gather at amah's house to carry out our duties as great-grandchildren.
Another kind of praying is to the numerous figures of Taoist Gods and Goddesses, which we Catholics don't usually deal with. Though, we still help amah out with her extensive preparations for prayers, seeing that she has always liked the idea of doing everything grandly and ceremoniously. Considering her age now, she could barely manage anything at all, not even cooking. Yet, she still protests on having every altar set up like it was used to 20 years ago. When it comes to praying to the numerous Gods and Goddesses, amah doesn't set up her own altar. Instead, she goes to the huge altar set up by the neighbourhood committee to pray and give her offerings, at the feet of Tai Su Yah.
Growing up as a Catholic under the influence of Taoism at home, I've developed a weird interest towards mystical stories of The Monkey God or Kuan Yin or other petrifying looking figurines that decked the altar at amah's old house. I've also shown an unhealthy enthusiasm towards matters like re-incarnation, The 9 Levels of Hells and breathtaking ghost stories that roamed the Buddhist version of hell. Don't misjudged me. I've drawn a line to myself into believing such matters as true and only take an interest in them as a matter of fascination. No more than that. No doubt, I've always enjoyed amah's gratifying ghost stories of the weird, unexplainable incidents that occur during the Hungry Ghost Festival, no more less than the stories I read in True Singapore Ghost Stories.
However, I still coudn't answer one of my classmates when he shot at me, "Do you believe in these stuff during the Hungry Ghost Festival?". I can't possibly give a definite answer as the underworld still remains as an intangible subject. Honestly, I have no idea what to believe. It's really mind boggling to even come to think of it. It all boils back to the same question : Do you believe or not? I prefer the idea of snucking in my bed and finishing another book of True Singapore Ghost Stories, getting myself mystified with stories that are not proven true or not on a hazey day as devotees all around Penang, pile up on their joss paper, getting them ready to be burnt, making the air quality even worse.
I intended to write sooner, when I came back from school but Blogger has been a real bitch lately. I don't know if it's only me or it's the same for the rest of you but Blogger has been really stubborn to load. If it eventually manages to load the page, it'll refuse to log me in. And if I actually manage to log in and done with my post, feeling all satisfied and content, it'll log me out automatically when I press the 'publish' button, which results me in losing my posts! It really kills the whole mood of blogging when that happens! Now, I'm taking extra precaution by copying my posts before publishing it.
Is there something wrong with my internet connection or Blogger has just been bitchy with me? I don't know.
I've also got my hands full with a number of stuff lately, which is taking up most of my time to blog. I've got the MPH writing contest essay that I just finished just now. Still not sure if it's good enough. Well, I've never tried my hands on fiction before. Make this my first! My monthly exams pretty occupied my free time, although I didn't really quite study for most of the papers. I've also been working on entering a few other competitions also. I'm not telling you what it is... yet, but I'm working on it. You know, there's this myth that if you boast before somehting actually happens, it'll never come true. I bet they have a name for it but I have no idea what. I fairly believed in this superstition. So I'm keeping it to myself. Mostly, it has got to do with photography and stuff alike. You get my point. Don't bother.
So, monthly exams just ended today and I took the liberty of my free afternoon to complete my MPH Search For Young Malaysian Writers 2006 essay while indulging myself into some good music. At least it is what I consider good music. The essay, as usual, exceeded the maximum amount of words and I'm still having trouble cutting off words. Every words seems to be equally important. I'll probably deal with that tomorrow. I'm just relieved that I manage to even complete the essay, although, I still doubt the relevance of the story to the given theme. For that, I kind of awarded myself with some good music.
This time, it's Shayne Ward. The winner of X Factor, another reality talent search TV programme, I assume. I mean, Simon Cowell is one of the judges. What else could it be? I saw Shayne Ward in one of those highly-overrrated CD reviews in The Star. Seriously, the CD review is based on a single person point of view and who knows what taste of music this reviewer has. Well, I guess all CD reviews are like that. I think it serves no justice towards the CD and the artist that they're being given bad comments when the CD reviewer practically doens't even listen to the kind of music he/she was supposed to review. Oh well, why bother? I say, get the CD yourself and listen to it, rather than believing in CD reviews.
Shayne Ward caught my attention when I saw his video on MTV yesterday, with the single No Promises. It wasn't exactly the Video Of The Year but his voice definitely got my attention. I didn't even finished the video when I went back into my room to search for his album online. Downloaded it last night and has been listening to it since I got back from school. His vocals were actually better than I imagined it to be. I personally like his high-pitched tones in his vocals. It really gives some punch into his songs. C'mon, not every male singer out there these days could manage this high-pitched thing anymore. The ones I could remember were Justin Timberlake, Daniel Bedingfield, James Blunt and perhaps, Lee Ryan? Yea, only a few guys. And Justin Timberlake has underwent a throat (tonsils, is it?) surgery that he can't really work that pitch anymore, proven in his latest single Sexy Back. After all, viewers of the X Factor show voted for Shayne Ward to victory!
My reviews on his music is certainly better than what The Star had given him. He wasn't as bad as The Star mentioned, ok? He debuted with his single Stand By Me and was a big hit around. He's new single. No Promises, is slowly gaining popluarity among his fans, including me. His other songs like You're Not Alone and That's My Goal (the first track) have a unique tune to it. I daresay that his music is still fresh and new. It certainly needs some getting used to. Overall, his whole album is a soothing one to listen to, especially in the night. I don't know how to categorise his music though. Is it pop or R&B? I could never get this right! I'll call it pop for the time being. His music are mostly focused on one genre as you can hear that most of his songs sound almost alike, which is what I always look for in an album. I'd call his music original as he doesn't come forth to me as another wannabe, trying all sorts of different styles to please his fans.
The only down part about his ablum was that he had his own versions of other songs, namely, All My Life (Kci & Jojo), What About Me (Shannon Noll), and Back At One (Brian Mcknight). His rendition of All My Life and Back At One sounded pleasent enough, but nothing compared to the original. However, his version of What About Me was horrendous! It sounded like a failed attempt of turning the song into his own! Compare Shannon Noll's to his and he stands nowhere between Shannon Noll! Fortunately, there were only three songs that he did. I think it has something to do with the show though. Hopefully it wasn't his idea to do the songs. The rest of the album makes it a soothing CD to listen to.
Talk about his video, his mouth movement and body language when he sings reminds me of American Idol 2006, Chris Daughtry! There is an undeniable significance between the two of them. Take a good look at the video and take a good look at Chris Daughtry's performance. I caould easily mistaken the both of them. Call me blind, but that the way I see it. =). Check out the video below. I think the video's really cool and the song really nice. It's hard to find male singers (can someone please give me a name to categorise?!) like this nowadays.
The feeling lingered within me throughout the whole day. The feeling of shock and disbelief to see my work printed in MPH's A Collection Of Stories On Teenage Life. Well, it would have my name on it it it was written by me. The strange thing is that I find such close proximity of understanding and relation towards the story that it seemes as thoough it could've might as well be written by me. It's somewhat scary to find my own words being extricated by a certain stranger by the name of Kevin Soo. I finished his last sentence with my mouth wide agape. I went totally speechless and was practically grasping for air when I read, "My passions include music, writing and photography..." Oh my, what a coincidence.
Does this mean nothing else but merely a coincidence? Or do the same people with similar passions think alike? I'm utterly bemused. The feeling I felt when I read his story... it was... ineffable. It struck me so hard that I almost fell from my chair which I was sitting two-legged-ly.
Kevin talks about the feeling of being lonely and the emptiness that shrouds him when he's around his friends. "I'm more alone when I'm with people than I am when I'm by myself," he writes. Weird, I understand. I feel exactly the same way. My spirit, my soul, drifts apart from my body as soon as I am enclosed in a circle of peers. My presence among them doesn't usually last long and it's also never felt. I was never in the spotlight. Not that I want too, but my presence is never realised. The urge of re-connecting my body and soul is ever so prominent when I'm no longer in their discussions. I don't feel belong when I'm with them. Their discussions/talks becomes as insignificant as the sound of bustling buses outside the school walls.
I don't remembering me feeling this way from young. I could still remember the great times and the incoherent laughters shared with, whom I thought then, were my friends. Those remains as memories, I suppose. For I will never be able to turn back time... and I don't want to. Gradually, I developed a shield that secluded me from the others, since I entered junior high. Don't misunderstand me, I wasn't an absolute loner, sitting by the corner of the classroom, burying myself into tonnes of books and alienating myself from the other classmates who were then talking about girls and computer games. I had friends, as a matter of fact. Numbered as it may seem, I still had them. They weren't exactly what you'd call loyal friends. Normal buddies whom there my invisible shield protects me from.
Like Kevin, I struggled to feel belong too. I struggled and longed for the acceptance into a group of peers. The struggle never ends. People can be so difficult to please and a group can almost be impossible to for me to fit in. "It is possible my standard for friendships is too high..." writes Kevin. I can still remember me, standing up to stretch, after an hour of self indulgence on the book, The Sky Is Falling, looking around the classroom, dreamily, to see a group of guys talking about girls and flexing their muscles as they talk or comparing the amount of body hair, another group hissing secretly to one another about computer cheats and another group, questioning each other with their textbooks held closely to their eyes. I took another yawn, sank back into my chair, let out a little sigh and went back to my book. The people around me seemed to be an illusion of some sort as I couldn't be more bothered about them.
"...I realise I no longer relate to any of my peers. They seem immature, never really saying anything worth listening to."
Sometimes, I sit by myself, wondering. What is it that sets me apart from all these people? Kevin's statement could be my answer, "It's possible I'm an elitist snob, priding myself in thinking I am better than others." Well, at least in different fields, I am. I fairly believe in that. I find myself muttering to myself, convincing myself that I might not be as good at the stuff they're talking about but I have my own qualities that I'd like to keep a secret from this world. Hence, the soul drifting apart from the body. I thought to myself, girls ; commitment, computer games ; too childish, muscles ; I still have that extra tyre if you ever need one, studies ; tiring. What's the point of even trying to fit in? I gave up my struggle of wanting to fit in, even if it's outside the classroom. I gave up entirely. Ended my misery, it did. I felt tired to want to try to be someone else I wasn't.
"I used to be puzzled why a trip to the movies would be cancelled when one of my friends couldn't make it but they would go ahead if I was the one who happened to be busy. That upset me until..." writes Kevin.
Same here. It used to hurt me alot when I find out my friends were watching Star Wars at the Golden Screen Cinemas while I'm stuck with mom, selling raffles for charity at church. Even when birthday parties were thrown or the hottest concert in town was held and I wasn't invited to be in ANY of them, I used to be so frustrated that I was on the verge of tears whenever I find out. Anger only held my tears back then. I realised a few years later that friends don't mean the whole world to me. I remembered dad said once to Grace, "Your friends will not be there forever... who will? Your family!" when she got busted for doing something really stupid, I can't remember what. Dad's words was etched into my brain from that awful day onwards, when I sat there in front of the TV while Grace got yelled at by an infuriated dad.
"With the sorry state of the world we live in today, I believe it's better to be an outcast and not fit in. Does't the fact that I can't stand the sight of this place mean I'm different from everyone else? I'd like to think so; it's the only comfort I get from being the way I am"
I grew up, in the next few years, with the impression that my religion and family comes first. I don't get hurt to hear the fact that I was at church attending mass while my friends were attending The Malaysian Idols Finale concert. It became easy for me to turn down offers of friends to go to the movies or hang out whenever it clashes with family plans. I don't need pestering by mom to disappoint my friends or vice versa cause I believe I can make the right decisions myself. Besides, why spend the time in the movies feeling the pressure to fit in with the group rather than to be comfortable and at ease with my family? And why spend the time feeling the pinch in my own wallet even if it means only a DoubleCheeseburger when I can enjoy sashimi with mom at Nippon Yataimura, without even causing a dent in my own wallet? After all, Star Wars isn't really my thing.
"Sometimes I wonder if I have a choice. It is possible I could force myself to enjoy the company of the people around me. Would it matter that I'd be living a lie? Maybe after a while, it would become real for me. Would it be worth it?"
I gave up trying to answer Kevin's questions, confiding to my family and religion. It made me who I am today. My friends don't come first at any occasion. My family and religion stays on top of the list. The struggle made me see what was important to me. I won't change a thing if I was to give the chance to go back time. Though, I'd try to be more careful and try to avoid knocking mom's vase down and smashing it into pieces like what happened last week! Other than my mistakes and regrets, I wouldn't change a thing about the way I feel about friends whom, like Kevin says, "...remain acquaintances and memories of better days." The only thing that sets Kevin apart from me is that I'm sort of happy to confide in my family and religion which still kept me as the jovial and warm person who I was a few years back! No regrets!
I wonder if I'd ever be able to have a chance to meet Kevin Soo, one day. I wonder if anyone else in this world feels the same. I might be a failure to you that I look like I'm just copying someone else's story and further collaborating it with my own life, but that's not the case. It's just amazing to find someone who thinks the same way as I do and share the same passions as I do and I'm just sharing it with you. In real life, I do have someone who has been my friend since the first day we met and thinks almost alike but just don't quite share the same passions. This person is my only friend whom I used to write as a subject for my English essay entitled "Your Best Friend". Oh the chessy-ness, I know. Still,I think it only serves this person justice to acknowledge that this person remains different from the others.
Monthly exams are going on. As you can see, I've put no effort in this exam, seeing that I'd fail anyhow. Initially, I did put in some effort, effort that wasn't seen at all through the first term. But after I found out that the subject I most put effort in was going to undergo some Diagnostic Test by the government, I kinda lost whatever sense that's left in me. It made my effort seemed all the more useless that they were going to be put into test in some nonsensical test that obviously doesn't even require simple calculations and can be easily answered by a 10 year old.
Don't gget me wrong. It's not that I have any problems with he government testing us on basic English understanding skills on the subjects that were changed from B.M. to English a few years back, to see if we could cope with the change so far. I'm being considerate to other people who might encounter problems with the change and this test really doesn't require any much preparation. I'm not saying I'm good or anything but the questions that are asked are, what I'd say, easy for even someone like me - who doesn't study and have no basic skills in Add. Maths. Well, it's sort of an evaluation test anyway, so it's more focused on our understanding of English rather than to test our skills. In short, it's kind of easy for me. Also, no pressure is needed when it comes to one of these contemptuous tests.
So I felt that my efforts were kind of put to waste when I found out a week before the actual monthly exam that we were to undergo a Diagnostic Test for Add. Maths, Maths and Science which only means that it doesn't need a lot of preparation. A little put off by that, I turned to another Grey's Anatomy marathon, where I try to finish my entire season of the show. It didn't work very well as my eyes went all teary by the time I hit 3 a.m. Resorted my frustration to Harry Potter also. I just finished the book just now.
It felt as if I've lost all my eagerness to pass this exam.Even the pressure of fullfilling my responsibility as a son (blessed with everything he can ask for) and as a student don't seem to be effective enough to get me to revise a stackful of books and notes. It's usually me staring at the test papers, perplexed, watching the others scribbling frantically on their papers or shading their answers in the answer sheet as if their life depended on it. Hmm... I'm not like that, never will. I'd prefer studying one of those yawning invigilators, making up all sorts of stories and defining their every detail.
Or I can always bury my face into my folded arms on the table and go to sleep till the 2 hours is up and wake up drowsily to the scrunched up face of the invigilator trying to tug at my paper which is caught between my arms and the table. Either way, I'm going back to Grey's Anatomy or maybe Prison Break.
I just seen this video over at YouTube, out of curiosity. I never liked the song the first time I heard it. Edward agreed too saying that it wasn't Beyonce "quality". Listening it on the radio the second time was like, breathing new life into the song. I didn't liked the song, immediately, but boldly clickling the 'Play' button to listen to it after Edward said that it sounded good if I'd try listening to it, made me kinda liked the song. It wasn't an instant fave but I'm beginning to feel the rythm and the beat of the song, pumping in my veins, after playing it on repeat for a few hundred times today and after watching a good quality version of her video at YouTube.
I must say Beyonce looks more like a deranged dancer in this video rather than her usual self. Seriously, the way she shakes her booty gives me the creeps. The messy hair isn't really working for me. She looks desperate and slutty in this video. Especially when she was working it on on Jay Z. I got almost mistaken that she grabbed his crotch the first time I saw the video. It's kind of scary the way she work things on Jay Z. Too slutty. Still, she managed to pull off most of her outfits in this video, as usual. She's really hot and sexy and looks like she could work with any outfit thrown at her.
Despite her being a crazed dancer and a slutty biatch, she still manages to crac me up in most of her dance routines. I practically laughed my head off when she was dancing in the dessert and with the black leather outfit towards the end of the video. She looked like she ran dry on moves when she was in the black leather outfit, dancing really funny moves and striking really odd poses that made her looked inhuman. And her dance rotuine in the dessert/paddy field gave her away as more into a trance than dancing. It's kind of freaky if you were to replay her video again and again. She kinda got a little carried away in this video, I think. I mean, her hand motions, facial expressions and body language... a little overdoing it, dont'cha think? Nonetheless, she still looks hot and sexy in this video.
The other thing I discovered about the island, besides the huge swamp and eagle, was that it was filled with rubbish. Damn, it was filthy! Rubbish was at every corner you turned. My wild guess would be that the rubbish was collected from the sea. After all, thePenang beaches are notoriously known for the rubbish you can find. The rubbish that were floating all around could be easily swept ashore with the waves and just stay put there to rot. I heard some of them said in, hushed whispers, to themselves that we weren't the only visitors to the island. Maybe so. But there was no way any visitor could have caused that amount of rubbish to be collected even in a long run. It's weird how the islands are left to rot like that when it remains so obvious from the Penang Bridge.
Our 15minutes was up in a jiff when mom yelled for my name from the other side of the island screaming that we're about to leave for the next island! I wasn't mistaken when I thought there was a tone of worriedness in her voice when she yelled for my name, almost deperately. "Ok, mom, I'm coming!" I yelled back as I took the last shot of the island and the swamp. Unfortunately, I could only take a limited number of shots considering that alot of the strategic angles and interesting subjects were already taken by other professional photographers. It just feels awakward if I were to go to their spot and shoot from their angle. Their vehement glares at me if, I was to walk closer could tell it all that they weren't too happy to share. I scrambled my way through some branches and got back with them. Mom was already on the line of people clambering into the boat with my sneakers. She told me tet up first, so that I could pull her up next. Did as was told and made our way to the back of the boat again, apologising profusely for causing them who were already seated, to shift in their places uncomfortably.I settled down and check my shots. Sighed a little and cleaned the front lens of droplets of water with my cloth. Mom decided that she was going to take her shoes off also at the next island stop. "Great!" I said cheerfully as I leaned back a little, poking my head out of the shed, to enjoy the sun on my face, as mom took off her socks and shove them into her shoes also. The next island was just nearby, so it didn't take us long to arrive.
I got down just like I did before and helped mom off. We spent a little while longer on the smaller island seeing that Tim had to take his shots for the website also. There was more dry land here compared to the last island which was covered mostly by the swamp and filled with overgrowing weeds among other unkown species of plants. The crowd was more dipersed here and everybody was having a good time frolicking around the beach, taking photos and enjoying the hot sun plus the fair view of Penang Island with the haze.The bridge was more visible here and most of the crowd was focused on the part of the island which had a good view of the bridge, snapping their digital cameras away, asking others to help them with their cameras if they wanted to be in the picture. I took a few pictures seeing that the pros had already covered most of the area. I asked a guy to help me take a picture with mom. He was kind enough to help and we got our picture with the birdge behind it. It was pretty cool to be hanging with my mom, trailing her behind with the camera as she turned into her non-worrying self and made footsteps along the shores, giggling slightly. I gotta admit that it's been quite a long time since I last saw her smile, sincerely. And did I mention that I was this close *showing my thum almost touching my indez finger* to stepping on dead jellyfish? It was kind of a miracle that I missed all of them! I could've so easily stepped on any of them!
One of the many jellyfishes that was found ashore...
Time was up and the sun was beginning to set. We got called back to our respective boats like little children again. I scrambled clumsily onto the boat, helping mom behind me and we set off again with me checking my shots and cleaning the camera lens. Waited for a little while for the others to get into their boats and for their boats to get started. We got back to our main objective which was to visit the Penang Bridge during sunset. I leaned back to my usual position to enjoy the sea breeze that was already now slapping against my face as the sped of the boat took up. We got near to the Penang Bridge, very near indeed. I can say it was a breathtaking moment for me cause in a few moments after that, I was looking right from beneath the Penang Bridge to its mega-like structures that held the bridge together. After 16 years of being a Penangite, I kinda felt a brief moment of pride in me! Everyone, including was, was feverishly snapping pictures either with their compacts, SLR or mobile phones, as the boat circled one of the gigantic columns that supported the bridge.
We were supposed to stop and make our way to the platform but due to unforessen circumstances, we couldn't. So we made a few rounds around the columns, took photos and headed back. The sunset was partially amazing - thanks to the haze. Yet, it was a great to sit in the boat and just watch the sun go down beside the Penang Bridge. The one thing fortunate about being on the same boat - literally- with Tim was that we were going to be in one of his group photos. Oh, trust me when I say that the camera is one of the things I fear most in the world but somehow, I felt like I wanted to be in the picture there and then. Strange, I know. Tim courageously set-up his tripod at the front of the boat, had a 10 seconds timer and, and ran back to get in the picture, causing everyone to shriek when the boat shook from side to side at one time, almost turning the camera into the water. Taking pictures on a shaky boat was kind of hard, I'd say. It just depends on the photographers stability to take the the exact shot at the precise moment the boat's stagnant. Skills come to play.
After Tim (and everyone else) felt satisfied with their pictures, we decided to head back to the jetty (finally!). The way home was pristine as we watched the sun go into hiding, slowly behind some mountains in a speeding boat that almost went the wrong way again. The old man realised that he wasn't on the right track soon enough to turn before we stumble into some Burmese Fishing Boats and probably get robbed. The boat ride ended with an official group photo and with most of the participants expressing their joy and satisfaction on this trip. We were treated to some Chew delicacy for dinner before everyone went their separate ways. If I'm not mistaken, the Chews are famous for the Kapitan Chicken Curry. That pretty much sums up the whole trip.
Getting on a rocking boat wasn't at all difficult as I imagined it would be a few days prior to the trip! I got on first and, dutifully, helped mom on board. The sampan was nevertheless shaky, beaten by the waves, as each of us made our way to our seating, loosing our balance ever so often. Mom had to cling on my hand to make her way to the back of the sampan as we boarded it first. Surprisingly, I gained more balance than I thought I would with my legs spread apart. I got mom seated comfortably and I sat beside her. We were the last two sampans left waiting to be filled with passengers (Tim was still talking to Siew Pheng and we waited patiently for him). And yes, I never let go of my camera the whole time, snapping photos feverishly at every opportunity I got. Suffice to say, I wasn't the only one taking photographs there. The majority of the crowd there were photography enthusiasts and some of them are even professional photgraphy, judging by their cameras and extensive lenses.
The really old man (I'm sure he's a highly skilled fisherman) who was in charge of our boat started the motor of the boat, with all the strength he could muster and with the shaky hands, skinny hands of his, drove the boat a little further away from the pier. We just sat on the boat and waited, floating near around just like every other 5 boats were, for the last boat to arrive to load the remaining passengers who were still waiting anxiously at the pier. The sun was flaming hot and my body was just beginning to break into a sweat, especially with the life jacket on and a backpack containing two bottles of water on my back. There wasn't much wind while we remained stagnant on the boat.
Thankfully, not before long, we saw the last boat sped by our boat to the pier to pick up the remaining passengers. After receiving orders from Siew Pheng's mom, the boat ride began with the old man restarting the engine. Look, the old man was really old and I could've sworn he had some hearing disability. He almost took us off course, going directly to the left when we're supposed to head to the right and still needed a few minutes of our desperate yells for the message to sink in into him, before he realises we were on the wrong track! All the time, I was worried sick about mom getting sea-sick. Well, she has developed and image for herself, always known as the weak one, after the numerous times she blacked out at the weirdest of place! Even before the trip, I kept reminding her to bring her ointment in case anything happens to her and knowing me, I wouldn't be off much help. I kept asking her if she was allright and fortunately, none of the dreaded incidents happened.
The only down part about the whole boat ride was the haze. Penang's been badly hit by the haze and beeing out in the middle of the sea didn't quite gave us a view of the outskirts of Penang Island that we were hoping for. I could only make out the outlines of Komtar and several other buildings. Pointing the cmaera towards the island only resulted the pictures to come out with a tint of dull grey. Plus, the rubbish spotted surfacing on the sea was downright awful. You could practically find every damn thing floating around the sea, scattered all over the place. I could only focus on the sky and other boats that was around. Thank God, dad got me a camera with a 12x optical zoom for my birthday! It'z amazing how far my camera could go.
So there I was, seated comfortably with mom by my side, enjoying the breeze on our face and the occasional sprinkle of water from the sea whenever the boat crashes a wave. Living in Penang all thsese years, I've never experienced such a thing and it was truly something new. What was stated on the itinerary was that we were only going to visit the Penang Bridge. Unless I've read wrongly, I was surprised that we were going to stop by at the Penang Bridge Tidal Islands, well, that's what I learnt when we finally got there. If you're a frequent user of the Penang Bridge, you'd probably be blind to miss the two little island on your left (if you're using the bridge FROM Penang). I've grown up all my life, used the Penang Bridge probably close to a millionth time, wondering what was on those two little islands.
My lifelong curiousity was answered when our boats took a stop at both the islands. The old man pulled over? Wait... I'm hopeless with these sea-terms. Anyway, the old man pulled over the shores of the first tidal island and we got off - the normal way, of course, jumping off the boat getting wet till your knees. It was the one time that I regretted wearing sneakers to an outing. My sneakers were partially soaked when I got off the boat and after helping mom off the boat. Having the sneakers on also kind of forbade me to venture any further in the island. Yeap, we were given a total of 15 minutes to "explore" the island. Most of them with sneakers, I saw, had willingly took off their shoes and went exploring.
I realised I couldn't afford to miss this opportunity and pulled off my shoes, stuffed the socks into the shoe, with mom nagging, "Be careful!" and ran off to join the others. Mom refused to follow, though. I mean, how many times in your lifetime do you get to go to the island? Anyway, I was amazed to find that there was a huge swamp behind the tall pine trees that kept it from view if you were standing form the Penang Bridge. It also happened to be an eagle's lair. I have no idea where thos eagles come from, but the whole flock of them were resting on a tree. Thanks to my 12x optical zoom, I managed to get something, I guess.
Certainly, it didn't took me as much anxiety as it would if I was to tag along blindly with a bunch of ignorant 2o year old daredevils on a boat trip to Penang Bridge and back. Following a group who's experienced and organised was definitely more soothing. I was surprise by the calmness in my head when I was preparing for this trip with AsiaExplorers (AE). I know it's not a big trip and all, but cut me some slack here. This is my first time I ever managed to convince mom to pay for a trip and go along with me!
I've been a member of AE since 2003, I think and I have never been in any of the their outings at all. The closest one I ever get to was when AE decided to go on a hike to the Penang Waterfalls. Unfortunately, it rained heavily the day before and over-protective dad called it off, saying that it'd be much too dangerous for me to go along considering I am was still a kid. So you couldn't count that as participation. Other than that, I've never been anywhere closer to an AE outing, whether it was held in cosy hometown Penang or neighbouring countries. Well, not till today, that I'm proud to call myself an AE member.
I received an email about this trip about a month ago before the designated date and was thrilled by the moment I read it! I forwarded the email to mom in her office about a month later after much hesitation. She was happy with the idea and we were set to go. Dad arrived at the venue and dropped us off, saying, "Take care guys. Matt, watch out for mom." I got off the car, rolled my eye, saying, "Yeah, sure. Bye dad!" slamming the door behind me. We waved as he drove off. The Chew Jetty was literally a jetty. I'm not sure what comes into your mind when the word 'jetty' is mentioned, but picture this : houses built, entirely of wood, arranged closely together, suspended a few feet above water by wood that's buried deep beneath the depth of the seas and a whole community working as fishermen.
It's the tiny part of Penang that I've never been before, despite all those years of growing up in the old and broken Georgetown. I was amazed to see how these people are able to live their lives like this. Almost as surprised as the community itself, with peering heads, popping out of the doors miraculously as mom and me walked by each house to get to the end of the jetty where the facilitator lived to get our life jacket. Not that it's bad or anything - most of them had the incospicuous Astro satellite dish poking out of their roofs - but it's just surprising to see them still able to live in such a condition in the 21st century - living just a few feet above badly polluted water which gave out a horrible stench, due to the rubbish and in houses so tiny that it almost had me believeing that I was Alice in Wonderland.
I mean, when I stand up, I'm usually looking down from a fairly reasonable height above into their little houses, eyeing them enthusiastically. Even the people looked smaller when I'm standing on the pathway made off pieces of thick plank arranged closely together, that separated the houses in between and which creaked heavily under my weight everytime I make a movement. It was scary at first to be walking along the pathway with the sploshing of muddy sea water visible beneath your feet, but it's alright after you realise that the community has been walking like that since... forever? By the looks of it, it wasn't exactly a model house that one can easily call a home and I wouldn't recommend it also as it doesn't exactly provide the freshest air from the sea. If the muddy foul water beneath was treated and the rubbish cleared, I'd reconsider. Still, the number of people living there (with the surname Chew) remains unchanged since 6 generations ago! It was a fact, however, which I learnt from the facilitator of the trip, Chew Siew Pheng.
Whem mom and me reached the end of the jetty, where Siew Pheng's house was situated at, we were greeted by an arousing number of people who were already there. I spotted Tim immediately, the founder/creator of AE, approached him, shook his hand and introduced myself and mom. He was such a warm and jovial person and it was kind of unexpected that the voice that greeted me back was high pitched and shrilled. No offence, but it's sounds similar to a cartoon character. Yet, he never misses a smile when he speaks to people. It was really nice to finally meet the person behind all the AE website and all those emails about exploring different parts of Asia.
Our arival was considered late cause majority of the crowd was already getting ready to board the traditional fishing sampans being held together by ropes, with experienced fishermen (I think) doodling around the ropes and arranging the sampans for the conveniences of us to hop on it. Mom and I collected payed for our life jackets and put them on immediately. I was busy fiddling with my camera (gotta get it out all the time for potential good shots) and mom had to meddle with the buckles on the life jacket for me. We got ushered by Siew Pheng's mom (a skilled fisherman also. I could tell by the way she handles the boats and took control of the situation) into one of the few remaining sampans together with Tim. It's just pure luck that we got in the same boat with Tim, cause that's all that matters and he knows more stuff than any of us. We were also lucky to get the only sampan with a shed as mom was beginning to complain about the blazing sun and about how she should've brought her umbrella along. That made her shut up.
Jesus, nailed at the cross to wash our sins...
