What It Means to be 20 and Still Single.

You know something is up when you’re sandwiched between your own elder sister and your younger cousin, both with boyfriends at their sides in church. Somehow, it made things felt wrong for me to be (turning) 20 and still have no partner. Sitting in between two lovebirds, watching them slightly displaying public affections (no doubt, in church) wasn’t disturbing for me – it was borderline excruciating – plunging me into a sea of doubt and self-realization about my own single-hood or lack of a mate.

Again, in church.

The thing about turning 20 is, I have no idea what the society expectations are towards a 20 year-old male, although I may have gotten a hint from my 24 years old sister and my 19 years old cousin. Even my 12 years old brother randomly popped the question one Friday afternoon over lunch about why I’m still single, in which I used ‘education’ to keep myself from looking like a loser. I mean, is this really what society is to expect out of a normal 20 years old male? You know, to be in a relationship or the very least dating?

If this is what the public perceive as normal, well, I just don’t do normal. And since when does anyone really know that normal is normal? For all we know, a nose could be called an ass and we could really be girls and them, boys.

I’m just saying.

However, I really honestly don’t think dating should be rushed or pressured into. I know I’m not, not even by the constant touchy-feely crap and public displays of affection shown by the other couple (not my parents) in the house. Please, I really do not think one needs to suck face every 5 seconds with each other, or unnecessarily attached to the hips for that matter. As Carina would detest to the jubilation of jie, “Matt, you just do not understand!” Which I admit I that I do not and will not be in quite a while.

Besides, I really do have studies to think about. I mean, I could  be shipped off to Timbuktu to pursue my studies and I don’t think I can keep up a long distance relationship for now. Realistically also, I have yet to earn my own income, making financially dependable on my parents, making the cost of every romantic date meaningless and borne by my parents. Of course, again, that’s just only one way of looking at it and through my inexperienced eyes, no less.

Plus, on the matter of love, as cheesy as it may sound, I do believe that when the time comes, it’ll come. I strongly put my faith in fate and the greater forces.

And as I’ve said it before, I’ve got commitment and attachment issues, even towards normal things like studies and hobbies, none of which I seem to be incapable of keeping. I tend to prefer the single and unattached life (sometimes even with friends). One of the reasons why I remain jobless. Yes, couldn’t be committed enough in my job hunt.

I mean, if dating means putting up with someone completely from a different orbit and upbringing (Oh, c’mon, who are y’all kidding? Everyone’s from different worlds! Unless you’re twins, then you’re still different people.) and learning to accept their flaws, disgusting habits, mind-sets, attitude and issues in the relationship, then I’m sorry, I’m just not ready. Neither do I have the time, considering I have problems dealing with my own flaws, habits, mind-sets, attitude and issues in my relationship already with my family and best friend.

I’m aware that learning to love another person is not easy. It takes a lot or courage, determination, hard-work, passion, tolerance, patience, and ultimately love -  judging from my 20 years with my family. It feels to me I’m just only starting to get the hang of it with the rest of the Brady Bunch and I’m not ready to try to take on someone new, yet. I’ve just started to learn about unconditional love and am slowly indulging in it, if you may. Accepting a stranger takes a lot from someone, let alone learning to love that stranger. Therefore, I don’t think I’m neither ready for it nor if anybody is ready to take a chance on me. So no rush there.

However, in the lights of hopes and love (it’s still positive, right?), and the new year and the new beginnings, if I happen to fall for someone today or tomorrow, I’ll hop on the love cab and take it for a ride, you know, to see what I’m missing and what everybody’s getting at. Till then…

Going To Bed.

The rain is pounding outside tonight, the first in a couple of weeks of drought. Here I am, sipping steaming hot green tea, listening to Keith Urban and typing this, in my feeble attempts of unwinding and just relaxing. It’s been a hell of a week, and a start of a New Year in fact. I’ve been knee-deep in Chinese New Year preparations, mostly helping mom out with her annual baking fest of assorted cookies, chips and the New Year delicacies. Come to think of it, I haven’t even started on my spring cleaning to “usher in the New Year”, so to speak.

Truth is, for the past week, ever single night, we’ve been busy baking. Being the unemployed son, bumming around at home, I am at the very least obliged to join in the festivities or to be a helping hand, if you may. Thus, it’s been a week, counting today, that I’ve been going to bed at about 1a.m. or later – most of the time, against my own free will. Baking has been done in the comforts of kaima’s house and usually, by the time we’re done, we’d probably be home by 11p.m. or 12p.m. and by the time I shower and settle down, i.e. applying facial masks, night creams or moisturizers (being in close proximity to the oven could damage skin, you know) and get a little house chores done, it’s be more or less 1a.m.

Mind you, it’s been a while since my bedtime was way past midnight. Honestly, I’ve been afraid that the old habit of sleeping late would return and unfortunately, after this week, I think I’m kinda hooked again. Sleeping late and waking up outrageously early, if there was the need to. Other days, I’ll just sleep through, which is still a bad habit in my book. However, as much as I find it convenient to be going to bed that late, it’s taking its toll on me. The whole “minimal sleep and 100% productivity” thing just isn’t working anymore. Maybe I’m not cut out for it anymore, after all, I am turning 20 and anyone turning 20 could tell you that they’re body’s beginning to slow down. Or maybe I’m just being paranoid, borderline, tired of baking, on my feet most of the time that the balls of my heel hurt, every single night.

I don’t know.

But what I do know that my eye bags are gradually getting darker and larger and more prominent. I also know that I can neither put in a 100% the next day if this goes on, nor if I can keep this pattern/lifestyle up. Well, not really sure bout the latter but I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to wake up for church tomorrow if I don’t cut this short. So here it is, my completely random update on my life about nothing significant really. Just really felt the urge to blog or pen down something. Probably inspired by the new blog design (did you notice?) or probably Keith Urban or maybe the rain (prolonged deprivation of rain could affect one’s habits as well, I suppose). But… who knows?

Good night and adios!

Christmas Wish Come True.

A million thanks to my dearest sister for taking all the trouble (on a pretense to the toilet, leaving me hanging in the cake shop, not knowing what to order for a good amount of time and appearing afterwards, panting, much to my bemusement) and thought to surprise me and also mom and dad for the contribution. It’s really neat and I was honestly surprised, which is a rare thing in the family. Words could not possibly describe how much of an awe I’m in and also how much of a spoilt brat I feel like. You guys didn’t need to show me anymore love than you guys already have prior to this. Nevertheless, however undeserved, I still feel incredibly blessed and grateful.

Hope everyone had as good of a Christmas I had this year, surrounded by people I love and care about and also a blessed New Year 2010. Cheers.

‘Tis True ‘Tis Season

 

Christmas Wishlist.

Christmas trees decked out completely with glistening ornaments of red and gold and blue and silver behind shop windows are sights to behold as you waltz your way slowly through the mall, taking in the faint and distant sound of instrumental Christmas carols. Yes, it’s only the beginning of November and the malls are already transforming themselves into a picturesque scene of a Macy’s shopping mall in New York. Lovely, truly lovely. Not that I have anything against it.

In the strife for higher consumerism by means of ushering the holidays to be faster than usual - through the sly gimmicks of shopping malls giving their customers a slightly altered impression of the holidays and plainly over-commercialising the holidays with new promotions, sales and campaigns – who’s to be blamed here? I’m just enjoying the jolly mood of Christmas, slowly making up my Christmas wish list this year. By the way, do check out the latest Starbucks Wish campaign, and try out their new drinks as well, *it’s like Christmas in a cup!*

GAP

One can only so much as wish for any kind of merchandise from GAP. However, to my defense, before anyone frowns their eyebrows over how over-rated GAP actually is, I for one honestly am attracted to the simplicity of GAP’s clothes, not to mention it’s simplicity and almost effortless ad-campaigns which only tugs at hearts with images of happy and beautiful people in their clothes and nothing else. Seriously, can fashion ad-campaigns get any simpler? Although I don’t believe that wearing or owning any of the GAP merchandise will make me look more attractive or necessarily a happier person, I do like to own a piece or two of its clothes given their all-American appeal and magnetism of its sheer simplicity.

To be more specific, I have always had my eyes on its jeans (their current 1969 Jeans campaign) for I think jeans are a form of investment and is truly worth the price. Apart from a good pair of Levi’s of course I’ve also always wanted a GAP sweatshirt (preferably an orange or gray one with the GAP word emblazoned in the middle) which costs almost the same price as a pair of jeans which I think are both equally long-lasting as well, not something you wear and tear easily. Plus, given its brand name, I think there’s a timeliness factor to it, meaning, it can even last to be a family heirloom and not look out of style. Until then, I’d be saving money for those and will be a very happy boy when I get it.

***

By the way, on a completely different note, a GAP membership requires a minimum purchase of RM700 or above. Pretty expensive and exclusive for a membership isn’t it? I almost balked at the saleswoman when I was told, short from keeling over and suffering a stroke there and then in the GAP store. One can only so much as wish.

***

MAC

With the current change from a chunky and bulky CRT monitor to a flat screen 20” LCD HP monitor, I’m looking for a change in keyboard and mouse as well, you know, to complete the whole ultra-modern and sleek look of the computer, despite its slowly ailing system. And what better brand to look for than a MAC? Rule of thumb : when in doubt, just go to MAC. I’ve had my eyes on the MAC keyboard and Mighty Mouse (not the Magic Mouse!) for a while now. I mean, c’mon, indulge in me a little. When a whole MAC system is not exactly what one can afford, the cheaper alternative to get the MAC experience would be through its keyboard and mouse right? Priced at about a hundred and fifty each, I think its reasonable for a MAC product isn’t it?

Or am I just being ridiculous and blinded by MAC simplicity and clean look again, just as I fall for everything else glossy and shiny. Although my reasons of wanting to get these might not be substantial enough, but in complete spoilt-brat fashion, I WANT THEM! Again, to my defense, I think its a good investment, no? I guess I’ll have to slowly retreat and save up again. I hope I wouldn’t be too old or crippled when I finally get to afford these. But I’m praying and it’s Christmas after all, miracles can happen right?

DSLR

Of course, my long dream of getting one is still here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bored of my 3 year-old pro-sumer Canon PowerShot S3. I still take photos with it, just don’t post it up that often anymore. However, I think I may have slightly grown out of it. You know, like a good pair of Levi’s which you love but have gotten a little fat over the thighs and just have to go buying a new one. LOL. Hardly makes any sense or hold any form of similarity but it just feels that way. I feel the need to advance in my photography enthusiasm. Learn more with a better gear. Well, I’ve been putting this off for quite sometime as the price for a good DSLR is way more expensive than the two previous things I wanted even combined. So specifically, there is no model or brand I can name for I haven’t done my research yet. Still, no reasons for it to be missed out from the Christmas wish list, right?

Others

Apart from all those ultra-expensive “gifts” I can still be bought with normal things. Who am I kidding? Any form of gifts will make me happy and cherish one more. As I said, it’s only a wish list and most of which I’m slowly saving up for myself. I hardly expect God to grant me any of it, given my bad behaviour and all. So please, do not feel the need to live up to my expectations. Some pointers, I still dig typical guy gifts like hell. Ties, perfumes, underwear, (not GAP) t-shirt, mugs, CDs or even a key-chain will make me incredibly happy. Real rule of thumb: It’s not the gift, it’s the thought that counts. It still applies to me. Besides, it’s Christmas, it’s all about giving not receiving.

Shopping Spree of Sort.

Splurged on 6 CDs today with partner in crime, jie. Felt the sudden urge to collect these timeless, worthy-of-collection, feel-good, quality music CDs, all of which have been downloaded and listened by me at one point. To think, they weren’t even on discount. We entered the shop looking for an entirely different artist (Brad Paisley) which of course, led us to these and derailed from our initial motif. Also, we’ve just bought 2 CDs a couple of days ago (Backstreet Boys’ This Is Us and Aladdin Soundtrack).

Oh, it feels good – the spending and the music.

New Monitor.

 

From CRT to LCD in a day. It’s about time, I thought. Love the new space, the look and the gloss. So psyched! Thanks to the parents.

So wide!  

Laundry Room.

This is exactly what happens when I don’t do my ironing regularly. My room gets an immediate transformation and turns into a make-shift laundry room. Believe it or not, dad has already cleared most of his share of clean, newly-ironed shirts from this pile. Don’t get me wrong, not complaining. This is just part of what I deal with.

For the record, this took 3 and a half hours to complete.

Deeply Shallow.

What does it say about me when I have the ability to read browse through a 20 paged pictorial apparel catalogue with no words or even prices printed in fine-print for a complete half-an-hour? Half-an-hour of course is considered a pretty long time to look at pictures, no? But jokes aside, I really can “read” a fashion catalogue for up till an hour without any words even. I guess I spend a lot of time studying the clothes, the shoes, the bags, the lighting, the models, the photography and what not. I honestly think pictures like these (in general too) are interesting and has a story or a hidden meaning the photographer or the designer wished to express.

Either I’m naturally inclined given my photography enthusiasm and fashion inspiration or that I’m just shallow. LOL.

I’ll stick to shallow. You see, just when I think I’m mysterious, sophisticated or even the least bit smart, I don’t appear to be. I mean, c’mon, I have female magazines and fashion catalogues practically, permanently in my bathroom (you know, to fill those free times), although I do change them regularly. That, compared to the photography magazines which I collect but never read, arranged neatly on my shelf for display purposes only (and to make me appear a tad bit knowledgeable, I guess). Of course, it applies for my school books as well.

What’s more is that when I switch on the television, the first channels I go to are the likes of MTV. I only make the jump from the movie channels like HBO back and forth to entertainment channels like E! network. I never stop by the Discovery channel or the least bothered to surf through it. I have my favourite channels memorised to go to them directly from the remote. Sometimes, I think the most intellectual reality programs I watch on TV includes American Idol and Keeping Up With the Kardashians (you go, Kim!). Whereas for TV series, I usually sit down for The Nanny and Desperate Housewives.

Wow, am I shallow or what. Feeling intellectually challenged at the moment.

Shopaholic and Mom.

Today I was reminded about how much I’ve missed mom over the years of growing up and how long it was since the last time we went actual shopping. [I know, after a couple of months of absence and the first thing I talk about is shopping-related. So what, sue me.] I got a taste of what it used to be shopping with mom and jie, the three of us together when the world seemed much lighter and brighter place then. It was about a decade then, I think, when we last went to the mall and walked for a total amount of 6 or 9 hours shopping for things I can’t seem to recall now.

But I do recall those happy moments - how mom used to have much more stamina then compared to now and how she’s still impossible to buy things with given her vital quality check on merchandise before every purchase. She hasn’t changed one bit, I tell you. Oh how times drift by when mom is constantly bogged down by work and worries while we’re usually busy shopping ourselves busied by our trivial teenager pursuits, like school or blogging. Things just haven’t been the same ever since, well, ever since things changed. In a sober way, I pity mom for not being able to have as much fun as she used to, which I understand completely why and am not complaining about.

It’s just that today brought me back to a reminisce of what we used to share, albeit doing pretty shallow things like shopping but again, who cares. I saw a light-heartedness in her which made her radiate even more than when she sees discount tags. Usually, her glee or desire for buying would be doused after discovering some form of defect on the merchandise despite its given discount. But this time around, her spirits were unperturbed neither by this nor the fact that some things are incredulously expensive. Again, she didn’t seem to bother and went on looking at the next item, a sight to behold after such a while.

In the period of financial instability in our family’s part and her constant worry on other things, she used to be impatient and easily annoyed when we children asked for things or when we were trying on things. This time around, like a decade ago, she didn’t seem to care even though her feet was killing her, result of the wrong heels she wore. She was heartwarmingly obliging, to say the least and I am honestly awed by this, waiting on us while we make numerous trips back and forth to the changing rooms of East India. So obliging that she was almost as generous as she sounded, offering to buy us things that we only tried out for fun and not for purchasing purposes.

Don’t get me wrong, of course I like spending money but this is completely unrelated to me being happy to see mom spending money but more towards the penning down of inspiration, result of a sudden bewilderment of mom’s sudden change of shopping habit. Of course, I don’t condone spending unnecessary money, especially during sales (of which I’m often found guilty as charged, for not abiding to this mantra) or from a shopaholic like mom, which is why I didn’t get anything from her generosity. But I am happy that she got herself some things (she totally deserved it) that she claimed she “needed”. Who am I to judge?

Although it was just a random and short afternoon trip of dropping by the mall, I had more of a recollection of a time which I used to and still do enjoy with mom at the mall. I love sales, don’t you.

 

P.S: At the risk of sounding cheesy and elementary, this sudden strike of inspiration was also a desperate attempt to jumpstart my blogging career (or lack thereof) after a long time of hiatus. Hopefully it works.